I recently heard from a nana with a 12-year-old granddaughter. She told me she was sending silly videos to her 2 granddaughters, the oldest being 12. Her younger grand was enjoying them, but the 12-year-old did not seem to be responding positively to the videos.
Twelve-year-olds can be tricky! There is a real pull between still being quite young but also feeling the need for independence while being on the brink of teenage hood.
So I suggested to this nana that a written text message with encouragement could be more impactful for her granddaughter right now. This is what I shared with her:
Try making the messages about things she is into, good at, or things happening at school, for instance. The silly videos might be at odds with her sense of ‘hey, I’m almost a teenager’. Tweens can sometimes be even more serious than actual teens because they want to know you take them seriously and are seeing that they are a little more grown up. A 16-year-old is more likely to get the nuance and value of a ‘silly’ video but sometimes 12-year-olds won’t because they might be really self-conscious.
And guess what?
Turns out her granddaughter had recently said something to her along the lines of ‘no one takes me seriously’. So, this nana followed up with a text that noticed something her granddaughter was good at – and received a positive response right away.
Why am I sharing this? For a few reasons:
First, I love the persistence of the nana who reached out. While she was immensely enjoying creating the videos, she recognized she needed to pivot. Things that work for one age might not work for another age. As you well know, your grandchildren are growing and changing quickly. It’s important to step back and recognize when a cognitive or socio-emotional leap has occurred and adapt accordingly.
It’s hard not to take offense when you’ve tried something out of your own comfort zone, and they don’t love it. But the thing is, you cannot expect a 10/10 on all your attempts at connecting virtually.
Whether it’s being silly, having great conversation starters or thoughtful questions lined up – the reality of virtual communication is that some things will flop, while others will be met with ‘can we do that again’?
Second this nana’s situation highlights why it’s so important to be the GEO (Grand Encouragement Officer) of your family. And to be in that role, you must sweat the small stuff and notice the little details about your grandchildren.
Your grandchild’s interest in the smallest thing can spark entire video chats or text exchanges.
Third, it highlights what I think we all sometimes forget about everyone in our lives: we all just want to feel seen, heard and understood.
For instance, I recently posted a blog about navigating the emotional complexity of long distance grandparenting – and the number one theme, within the responses I received from long distance grandparents, went something like this:
It is often in the naming of things that I find freedom and comfort. You named the feelings very well and then gave us a way forward! Thank-you.
To be seen and heard by your blog makes all the difference in the world. I am very grateful for your work.
In many ways, it’s the same for your grandchildren. Kids, teens, and adult grandchildren are just like us. They have that deep need to be noticed, appreciated, and valued for who they really are.
They might not always say it, and they might not know how to ask for it, but they feel it just the same. They want to know that you see them for who they are—a whole, unique individual. And when you make the effort to show them that, your connection with them can grow in ways you might not expect.
Why Being Seen and Heard Matters to Grandchildren of All Ages
It’s easy to feel like kids today, growing up in a world full of screens, instant tech gratification and fast-paced everything, don’t necessarily care what you think about them.
But the opposite is true.
Research shows that children and teens thrive when they feel a deep connection with the adults in their lives. The more seen and heard they feel, the more confident, resilient, and secure they become.
Research underscores the importance of strong, supportive connections between children and the adults in their lives. When children and teens feel truly seen, heard, and valued by adults—whether parents, mentors, or other caregivers—they develop greater confidence, resilience, and emotional security. These close relationships help buffer them from anxiety, depression, and risky behaviors, and they foster a sense of belonging, which is key to their overall well-being and ability to thrive.
For instance, positive youth development frameworks highlight the role of adult mentors and family involvement in shaping teens’ self-esteem and emotional health. Adolescents who feel connected to caring adults exhibit better emotional regulation and are less likely to engage in problem behaviors. Furthermore, social connections, whether with family or non-parental adults, are associated with better coping strategies during stressful times
The Power of Noticing: How to Make Your Long Distance Grandchildren Feel Seen
So how can you help your grandchildren feel this way?
The good news is that it’s not about grand gestures or expensive gifts. It’s about paying attention to the little things—those moments that let them know you are really listening, you care, and that you are genuinely interested in who they are as people.
Let’s break this down by age group because, as mentioned earlier, what works for a 5-year-old might not resonate with a teenager or an adult grandchild. But the core idea remains the same: everyone wants to feel seen.
Younger Grandchildren (Ages 2-10):
With younger kids, it’s all about noticing the small moments. They’re still figuring out who they are and how they fit into the world, and our attention helps shape their self-image. It’s easy to say “Good job!” after a soccer game or a dance recital. But the more specific and observant you can be, the more powerful your words become. It shows them that you see the effort behind their actions, not just the result.
For example:
- I noticed how hard you tried when you were learning that new song on the piano.
- You were so kind when you shared your toy with your friend earlier.
- I love how excited you get when you talk about dinosaurs. It’s like you know everything about them!
When you focus on their actions and emotions, you are letting them know you see who they are becoming. It tells them, “I see you for who you are, not just for what you do.”
Teenage Grandchildren:
Teens are at that stage where they’re figuring out their identity, and they’re often wrestling with the feeling of being misunderstood. They don’t just want to be noticed for their achievements—they want you to understand who they’re becoming, what their passions are, and what they stand for.
Teens who feel understood by adults have stronger self-esteem and are less likely to feel isolated or disconnected. But, teens can be tough. They may not always make it easy for you to “see” them. That’s where paying attention comes in, even if you are far away.
Here are a few ways to let your teen grandchild know you see them:
- I’ve noticed how much thought you put into choosing your classes for next year. You’re really thinking about your future.
- I see how much time you spend on your art—it’s inspiring how dedicated you are.
- You have a great way of making your friends laugh, even when things are tough. That’s a real gift.
When you acknowledge their effort, their individuality, and the qualities that make them who they are, you build a bridge of understanding.
Teens, like everyone else, want to know they matter—and that you see the person behind the Instagram posts or Snapchat stories.
Adult Grandchildren (and the parents of your grandchildren)
Even when your grandchildren grow up, the need to be seen, heard, and understood doesn’t go away. In fact, it can deepen. Life gets more complicated, and adult grandchildren – and your adult children – often face challenges that you can’t fix.
But you can still be there for them in a way that makes them feel valued.
It’s about recognizing their unique journey and staying connected to the person they’ve become:
- I see how hard you’re working at your new job—it’s clear how much you care about doing it well.
- I’m so impressed by how you’re balancing everything right now. I know it’s not easy.
- I’ve noticed how thoughtful you are with your family. They’re lucky to have you.
For adult grandchildren especially, being seen by a grandparent can be incredibly meaningful because it’s a connection to their roots. When you take the time to acknowledge their efforts, their challenges, and the people they’re becoming, you are telling them, “I’m proud of you. I see you.”
What to write, text or say to nurture strong bonds from a distance with your grandchildren
Whether your grandchild is 5, 15, or 25, these sentence starters can help you let them know that you truly see them for who they are – use these in conversations or in your letters to your grandchildren:
- I noticed how hard you worked on [insert task]. That takes real dedication.
- You have such a creative mind. I love how you come up with new ideas for [insert activity].
- I can tell that you really care about [insert subject]. It shows in how much you know about it.
- You’ve been so kind to your friend [insert name of friend]. I bet they feel lucky to have you.
- The way you handled that situation was so mature—I’m really proud of you.
- I see how much effort you’re putting into [insert activity]. That kind of hard work will pay off.
- You always find a way to make people laugh. It’s such a great gift.
- I’m so impressed with how you’re learning new things every day. You’re growing so much!
- I love how passionate you are about [insert interest]. You really light up when you talk about it.
- I noticed how patient you were with [insert person or situation]. That’s not easy to do.
- The way you stand up for what you believe in is really inspiring.
- You’ve got such a strong sense of who you are, and I love that about you.
- You’re such a good listener. People must feel really valued when they talk to you.
- The way you approach [insert activity] is so thoughtful. You really take the time to understand it.
These simple sentences can have a huge impact. They’re more than just compliments—they’re acknowledgments of who your grandchild is as a person. When we pay attention to their unique qualities, we let them know that we see them, and that’s something they’ll carry with them for a long time.
Every grandchild, no matter how old, wants to feel seen, heard, and understood. As long distance grandparents, you might not be there for every milestone or every tough day, but you can still make a difference. You can still show up in ways that matter by being intentional in your conversations, paying attention to the small details, and letting your grandchildren know that you truly see who they are – write letters to your grandchildren or text them – or slip them into conversations, pointing these things out.
So the next time you talk to your grandchild—whether over video chat, phone, or text—remember: they want to feel seen, heard, and understood, just like we all do.
And with a few simple words, you can help make that happen.
Hope this helps! For more tips and inspirations be sure to download my free guide for long distance grandparents and sign up for my weekly emails!
Kerry
