The joy of watching your grandchildren grow, learn, and explore the world is a gift you are so grateful for each day. But when grandparenting happens from a distance, it comes with a unique set of emotional challenges. What’s supposed to be a time of connection and family closeness can become a balancing act between joy and sadness, pride and frustration, and longing and acceptance.
When grandparents sign up for my newsletter, I always ask them the question:
What is the biggest challenge you face as a long distance grandparent?
Grandparents share things like:
I feel significant pain when I think about what I will miss and also I worry that my husband’s health will at some point soon mean we cannot travel to see them.
I didn’t expect to feel this way.
I worry that our bond will diminish over time.
I don’t want to burden my daughter with my grief – but it feels overwhelming right now.
I feel stuck in my grief.
I am so close to my daughter, and it hurts that I cannot be there to help her. She is having such a hard time right now. I feel hopeless.
It’s my jealousy every time I hear about how much fun the kids had with the other grandparents. I want to be happy for them. I mean, I am in my heart happy they all have each other. It just makes me feel lonely for them.
I’ve been crying all day today since finding out they are leaving.
Do any of these sound familiar?
If so, one thing I know for sure, is that you are not alone.
Most long distance grandparents have felt some version of these emotions – some when they first find out they will be a long distance grandparent.
While for others it comes later as either their own health makes it more difficult to travel or they begin to feel a connection slipping away.
This is why I describe long distance grandparenting as emotionally complex. It’s not straightforward and the emotions catch people off guard.
I’m working on a resource guide all about coping with the emotions of long distance grandparenting. You can sign up for the waitlist here to be notified when it’s available for purchase, but more about that later:
WAITLIST: Coping with the Grief of Grandparenting from a Distance: Practical Strategies
After working with thousands of grandparents and digging into the research about families and relationships, here are 5 reasons why I believe long distance grandparenting is emotionally complex.
1. Emotional Ambivalence
The most common emotions I hear about from grandparents are sadness, disappointment, hopelessness, and even resentment. But grandparents also share their gratitude for parents who are committed to the relationship and the overall joy they experience as a grandparent.
This blend of positive and negative emotions is called emotional ambivalence.
It’s the experience of feeling two conflicting emotions at the same time and it can feel really uncomfortable. For example, you may feel thrilled to receive a video call from your grandchild, only to feel an overwhelming sense of sadness when the call ends. Or joy as you spend time together, with a corresponding sadness because you know you will have to say goodbye.
Emotional ambivalence makes it hard to find balance. You may feel joy and grief all at once, and these feelings are rarely easy to reconcile.
One way to navigate this is by mastering something called both/and thinking.
This means recognizing that, yes, you’re grateful for video chats, and yes you also feel a huge sadness when they end because you’d rather be there in person.
Both emotions can coexist.
When we acknowledge both sides, when we allow ourselves to feel both the comfortable and uncomfortable feelings, it creates space to move toward action. If you can accept and not judge yourself for feeling both ways, you can start to move towards a focus on what you can do to nurture your relationship with your grandchild.
You might not be able to see them for a month, 6 months even – but what are the actions you can take now to nurture the relationship?
2. The Range and Depth of Emotions Are Underestimated
While the joy of being a grandparent is widely acknowledged by society —especially in those viral videos of grandkids running into their grandparents’ arms—the sadness is often overlooked.
Sometimes even dismissed by those around you who say things like: “well, at least you have FaceTime!” which is great – and also 100 percent not the same as being there.
These statements, though intended to comfort, often have the opposite effect. They can minimize your grief and sadness leaving you feeling misunderstood or like you are making a big deal out of nothing because it doesn’t feel like a big deal to other people.
When the truth is, you are legitimately grieving the loss of what you imagined grandparenting would look like and the loss of time and moments shared with grandchildren and children.
These are your feelings, and you get to feel them.
In fact, it’s important to feel it, because when we try to push those emotions down, they tend to get stuck in our body in ways that aren’t healthy or seep out of us into conversations with family members in a way that is not constructive.
3. Changing Family Dynamics
Long distance grandparenting also requires navigating shifting family dynamics. Not only are you managing your relationship with your grandchild through different stages—such as babyhood, childhood, and adolescence—but you’re also working to maintain a relationship with your adult child and their partner.
Sometimes, new in-laws bring changes to traditions or family routines, which can add a layer of complexity. You might have expectations around holidays or visits that no longer align with the new structure of your family. Some of you might experience challenging relationships with daughter or son-in-laws (DeeDee Moore from More Than Grand has some great resources for challenging relationships with in-laws)
Relationships in general are dynamic and ever changing.
And sometimes they are what I call tricky.
The feeling of walking on eggshells during in person visits can be particularly tough.
And for some of you, it’s just trying to cope with the local grandparents who, despite being able to see their grandchildren whenever they want, seem to dominate the time when you visit, leaving you feeling like you’re competing for your grandchild’s attention. Or just not getting that much needed alone time with the family.
Different personalities, varying and sometimes challenging communication styles and relationship histories can collide and create really complex feelings that you haven’t felt before or at least didn’t expect to feel as a grandparent.
4. Coinciding Life Transitions
Many grandparents are juggling multiple life transitions while also trying to figure out how to be an engaged long distance grandparent.
This can include navigating retirement, caring for aging parents or a spouse, coping with the loss of a friend or family member. You might be in the midst of adjusting to a life where your youngest has left home. You could be managing your own health challenges or have limitations to your travel due to a spouse’s health or mobility limitations.
And then at the same time, some grandparents are in a phase of life where they are thinking about their legacy. “Will my grandchild remember me?” or “Have I shared enough about our family’s history?”
All of these transitions and life stages are happening alongside the many emotions of being a long distance grandparent.
So it’s really no wonder this can all feel quite overwhelming.
5. Geographic Distance
Finally, there’s the literal geographic distance that separates you from your family.
This distance amplifies all of it.
For instance, if you’re in a situation where there is strain in the relationship, when you’re spending time together in person, you naturally want the atmosphere to be happy and positive. This can make it challenging to bring up difficult conversations.
Or, maybe you’re visiting your grandchildren, and while your son wants you to stay with him, his wife is an introvert and struggles with having guests.
These dynamics can all create tension, and because you don’t live locally, you don’t get the chance to resolve these issues gradually over time.
And then, there’s also the financial strain of travel, which can add anxiety and stress. Perhaps you’re trying to figure out how to afford the flights to visit or take time off work to help with a new baby or be there for an important graduation or birthday milestone.
For others, you are managing your own desires to travel in retirement and feeling guilty for choosing that trip to Europe you’ve always wanted to take because it feels like you are choosing that trip over a trip to see your grandchildren.
The thing is, the physical distance adds layers of complexity to your relationship with your family. It can make it harder to navigate difficult conversations, manage conflicting expectations, or deal with the financial pressures of travel. Without the ability to address these issues gradually in everyday life, they can become even more pronounced when you’re far apart.
So what can you do now?
As a first step, it can be helpful to start thinking about how to be an emotion scientist rather than an emotion judge.
An emotion judge means you kind of beat yourself up about how you are feeling, try to stuff the emotions down and move on to happier things. Not giving yourself permission to feel the emotions because they are negative and uncomfortable.
Whereas an emotion scientist means just getting curious about the feelings that you are having. Perhaps it’s this twinge of jealousy every time your grandchild or your own adult child shares something about the local grandparents.
Or you feel this deep sadness after you get off a FaceTime chat.
Just sit with it and be curious about how you’re feeling and start to notice and even track when it happens by writing it down in a journal.
For instance, if you notice that you consistently experience this unrelenting sadness 24 hours after a visit with your grandchild, you can then plan ahead by scheduling things that personally help you in times of distress. Maybe it’s a hike with a friend or lunch with an understanding colleague. Plan it ahead of time and let them know beforehand that you need them, because you know you will.
Of course, I don’t have the cure for the grief and sadness you are experiencing.
No one does.
It’s not about getting rid of the grief—it’s about learning to live alongside it while finding ways to take meaningful action.
To support you through this journey, I’m working on a resource guide all about coping with the emotions of long distance grandparenting. You’ll find tons of helpful strategies grounded in research about emotional awareness, validation, self-compassion, reminiscence therapy, and ritual-making to help process the feelings. The guide is designed to offer in-depth guidance, practical tools, and compassionate support for navigating the emotions – and created based on the experiences of long distance grandparents.
By signing up for the waitlist, you’ll be the first one to know when this comprehensive resource is published and available for purchase. You can sign up here:
WAITLIST: Coping with the Grief of Grandparenting from a Distance: Practical Strategies
In the meantime, I hope this blog helped!
Kerry
