Think back to when your grandchildren were little, and they declared their obsession with dinosaurs. You likely went all in on the dino front and ended up with more knowledge about a stegosaurus than the Smithsonian.

Then, they got older and became interested in social media and video games.

Let’s be honest.  It’s a little harder to want to go all in on Minecraft or the latest YouTube star.

But what if you applied the same level of curiosity to your tween or teenage grandchildren, as you did when they were little?

My teenage cousin sent me a slam poem she wrote about Instagram and Snapchat. It was a massive eye opener about how social media platforms have shaped her life.

But without engaging in a conversation about it, I would never have known about the poem – and she wouldn’t have shared it.

I asked her: What is it about Instagram and Snapchat that teens love so much? What do you think are the good things about it? Are there any downsides?

It’s so important to come to the conversation without judgment and be authentically curious.

Be willing to do the research

So, back to staying curious. Beyond asking your grandchildren specific questions, you need to be willing to do the research about the things they are into these days.

Try a google search for Minecraft 101 for parents, or Snapchat 101 for parents so you can learn enough about it to ask a few questions. Common Sense Media, under the Parents Need to Know tab, is a great resource.

Try shifting from, I can’t get their attention because they are always on screens, to I wonder what it is about video games/YouTube that is so compelling. or What are the benefits of video gaming? (yes, there are benefits!).

Once they know you care about the things they care about – and that you care, precisely because they care about it, it’s like sending a subliminal message of love and support.

I’m not saying you have to play video games with your grandchildren – though some parents and grandparents are really into gaming – I’m just suggesting you learn enough to be able to hold a conversation about it.

And when they give you that little smile and ask, ‘How do you know about Fortnite?’, you can say ‘Well, I was curious about it because I love you and want to know about the things you care about.’

Or you can confess: To be honest, it was easier to know what to talk about with you when you loved [insert childhood obsession]. It’s a little harder now, but I am trying!

I remember having this kind of conversation with my teenage niece when she came to visit one year. There was a lot of moodiness, and I took it personally, thinking she really didn’t want to be there – and truthfully, she probably would have rather been with her friends at that stage of her life.

I probably did too when I was 16.

Anyways, she wasn’t showing a lot of interest in being around me – and I’m supposed to be a cool auntie!

And so, I confessed:

You know what? I’m not sure what you want to do these days. It was a lot easier when you were 5 and we could go bowling and get ice-cream afterwards. Now, I’m not so sure what to talk about or what we can do together that you would enjoy.  But….. I want to know.

This turned things around. I found out she was just happy to come to the grocery store with me, pick out some of her favourite foods and chat about what is going on with one of her friends – which was the situation at the source of the mood.

And when you don’t get it right, or feel that your efforts flop somehow, try hard not to take it personally. Think progress, not perfection when it comes to strengthening relationships with tweens and teens from a distance. I left magazines on the beds of some teenage relatives who came to visit over March break  – and I for sure got the magazine choices wrong. But they loved the journals, felt tip pens and fuzzy blankets I left for them.

Progress!

Meet them where they are at in this moment of life or stage of development.

Older kids are like younger kids in that you must catch them in the right moment and ask questions they find interesting – this is true of tweens, teens – and any person frankly.

 When children are little, we recognize they might not feel like sitting still to talk on a video chat. Or that they are moody because they are hungry or tired.

And we generally accept these as valid reasons for them not wanting to engage with us on a video chat. Even if it can feel hurtful in the moment.

But for some reason, when children are older, it can be easy to internalize their lack of communication as: ‘They don’t want to talk to me anymore. They don’t care about our relationship. They aren’t thinking of me. They must not miss me.’

 And for teens, some of these could be true but it’s not because they don’t care. It’s because developmentally they are turning more towards friends and seeking independence.

They are also affected by the same things everyone is such as fatigue, stress, anxiety and simply just having a different personality. Some people are social, others are not. Some people shine on a video chat and others really dislike being on video.

I bet these apply to you as well. Have you ever let a call go to voicemail because you didn’t feel like talking? You were too tired.  Hungry? Talking to a neighbour? Had a long day and couldn’t muster up a cheerful chat?

Yes, me too.

We all have times in our day – and in our lives frankly – when we don’t feel like chatting or connecting.

It’s the same for your grandchildren.

So, what can you do if they don’t want to chat or don’t reply to text messages?

Well, first, send one-way types of text messages.

An encouraging sentiment, a quote you saw that you thought was inspiring, a link to an article about something of interest to them. Or a photo of you together when they were a baby, with something really encouraging such as ‘You have grown into such a kind person and are so good at sports!’.

And then finish your text with, I know you have a lot going on so don’t worry about replying. I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you!

Here’s the thing: Tweens and teens naturally turn more towards their friends. It’s developmentally appropriate and necessary for them to seek independence.

There were likely times as a parent when you had to pull back from your own child, let them feel their independence and yet continue to let them know you were also there when they needed you.

Grandparenting is similar. There are times when you will need to hang back and reach out all at the same time.

This is when I think the mailbox becomes your secret long distance grandparent superpower.

Write them a short letter or send a funny thinking of you card. If they have exams coming up or an outing with friends send 5 bucks for them to pick up a smoothie or coffee.

No one else is sending them mail. I can pretty much guarantee it.

It can be hard, and it will sometimes feel like you aren’t getting much back.  But like most of the work we do for any relationship in our lives, the connections and even those rare moments of connection, are well worth the wait.