Trust is at the core of any relationship. It is created over time and through interaction with others. So how can you build trust when you don’t have the day-to-day or weekly face-to-face in-person time together that local grandparents get to have with their grandchildren?

Here are 9 ways, with some practical suggestions for all ages.

1. Do one thing consistently at the same time every month.

 Consistency is key to trust, and it’s also a tough one for long distance grandparents. Especially when you find yourself at the mercy of the parents and busy schedules!

But there are numerous things you can do from a distance to signal that you are always there at a consistent time.

• Send a video message every Saturday morning with a joke or a fun fact about something they care about.
• Start a Something I love about you Saturday text – and send a short text each Saturday at noon.

Whatever the age, they will value and look forward to a consistent, loving, and fun communication from you. It’s okay if they don’t acknowledge it or all you get is a thumbs up or heart. It’s one-way, low-pressure communication that, over time, will sink in and be valued.

2. Share positive things about the other grandparents with them.

The other grandparents can be a touchy subject emotionally for long distance grandparents, especially if they are local or get to see your grandchildren more often.

I’m not suggesting you be fake if you have a tough relationship with them.  But asking your grandchildren about the other grandparents lets them know you care about all aspects of their family network.

Even if you don’t personally agree with some of the things the other grandparents do. A united front to kids can go a long way to building trust because they will know they can talk to you about anything – and that you care about all the people in their lives. It sends the message that you care about the people who care about them.

3. Let them teach you about their interests.

I call this GRANDwork and will share more about it in an upcoming blog. Ultimately it can be simply asking them to show you how to do something they love to do.

Even if it isn’t something you love to do.

You can absolutely manage 30 minutes learning about Minecraft, even if you just get the lingo down!

If they are obsessed with dance, ask them to show you an easy move or what song they love to dance to most right now.

If it’s a sport, ask them who the GOAT is – Greatest Player of All Time!

It can be anything – just let them know you’d like to learn about something they are into right now. It not only shows them you are interested in them but also positions you as a lifelong learner.

4. Ask questions about the other side of the family.

It can be easier to focus on asking questions about your own side of the family.

But for your grandchildren, their family consists of another whole unit of people who you might not know because you live at a distance. Ask about the time spent with them.

This reinforces to your grandchildren that they are part of a cohesive and loving family (even if there are strained relationships amongst the adults or families involved).

What kinds of things do they enjoy doing with aunties/uncles or cousins?

Ask them to show you/share photos of their time with the other side of the family. Get to know the names of the aunties/uncles or cousins.

5. Send a random letter telling them what you love about them.

Kids get used to receiving things like cards on special occasions but sending a random note and including a few things you love about them is a way to stand out in their mailbox and life.

Kids tend to receive lots of love around celebrations, but we all know they need to hear and know who loves them and why more often than on special occasions.

So put pen to paper – it doesn’t have to be long.

 

You can also send what I call a GRAND Word Hug – sharing specific sentiments referred to in the research world as affectionate communication. Affectionate communication is associated with emotionally close relationships between grandparents and grandchildren.

6. Get to know the names of their friends.

From an early age, your grandchildren will talk about friends. It’s much more powerful to be able to ask How was your playdate with Charlie? or What did Stella think of the Barbie movie?, rather than How was your time with your friend?

It signals to your grandchildren that you are listening and care about the time they spend with other people who are important to them.

7. Remind them about their strengths

Knowing someone else notices what they are good at is a solid way to nurture trust. Notice if they are great at coloring or if they are a good friend or teammate.  And then point it out in your conversations or text messages with them.

8. Give them a special responsibility when they visit.

This can be anything from watering your plants to feeding a pet. My aunt would always get my son to help her give the dog blueberries and it became their thing – whether we were at their place or at our family cottage.

Buy a dinner bell and give them the job of ringing it to gather everyone to the table.

Or have them fold the napkins in a special way.

Letting them know you trust them to help is a great way to show them you see they are capable. Give them a choice of things and you might find out something new about them in the process!

9. Remember the little things about their lives.

It can be the smallest of things. What do they like/not like on their pizza? What are they into reading right now? Who is their fave YouTuber?  What are the names of their teachers or coaches?

Grandparenting from a distance is about sweating the small stuff and noticing the little things that make up their life and community.

Bonus: Suggestions from other long distance grandparents

I recently posted these 9 ways on the Facebook page for The Long Distance Grandparent and fellow grandparents chimed in with these great ideas:

• Take time to connect with their parents, as well! Send a little something or write an extra message thanking parents for helping you stay connected.

• I found cute little monster stickers and when mailing a package would put a couple on the outside. He couldn’t read yet but I hoped when he saw it, he would immediately know who it was from.

• Help them be in connection with cousins to strengthen family bonds – “cousin connections”. This could be bringing them together for a “Grandma camp”, setting up FT calls to connect them, or helping them get into a letter writing mode (pen pals) -giving pens, paper, unique stamps, etc. It all depends on the ages involved.

• FaceTime as often as possible. We chat with our daughter and 2-year-old granddaughter 3x/week. We ask her to share her food with us and she thinks it’s hysterical that we take a bite and then she takes a bite. Teaching her about sharing.

It really does take a community of support to grandparent from a distance. Sharing ideas and inspirations is key to what we do in The LDG Society – a community of intentional long distance grandparents who encourage one another and share what is working for them. You can find out more about it here:

The Long Distance Grandparent Society