As long-distance grandparents, those in-person visits are golden. Whether it’s a long weekend or a once-a-year holiday, these moments are filled with joy, hugs, and so much love. But they also offer you something else – something you might not have considered.
They offer you clues.
Clues about who your grandchild is becoming.
The books stacked on their nightstand.
The names that pop up over and over again in stories about school, play, sports or college.
The shows they beg to watch “just one more episode” of.
These are breadcrumbs. And if you’re paying attention, they’ll help you stay connected long after you’ve packed your suitcase and waved goodbye.
Step Into the Role of Grand Detective
During your visit, you get to be a Grand Detective – but not in the sneaky way!
This isn’t about prying or interrogating. It’s about being lovingly curious. Noticing. Paying attention to the small details that help you build stronger, more personal connections from a distance.
So what are you looking for?
- Books they’re reading: Peek at the bookshelf or ask, “Read anything good lately?” Noticing their reading interests gives you great material for snail mail surprises or future conversations.
- Shows they love: Maybe they’re into Bluey or The Dragon Prince. Watching an episode with them gives you something to talk about later: “Did Bingo go on any new adventures this week?” Or if they are older, watch an episode of what they are watching whether it’s a sports documentary or teenage drama, you will get insight into them by knowing more about what they are consuming.
- People they talk about: This can be other family members and friends, but it might also be a certain celebrity, sporting star, famous dancer, social justice influencer, or Youtuber. Whatever it is, take note!
- What’s on their walls or devices?: Posters, art, or even decals on their water bottles can give you hints. Are they into sea creatures, soccer, superheroes, fashion, make-up right now? Their bedroom – or the stores they want to shop at -can give you a good sense of where they’re at.
- What are they trying out?: Are they learning to draw, skateboard, or cook something new? These in-progress interests are golden for cheering them on from afar.
- Digital clues: For older grandkids, what apps are they using? What memes or games make them laugh? Even just knowing their favorite YouTuber or game can offer insight into their world.
- Sounds, smells, and snacks: What music do they play on repeat? What snacks do they love? What scent is always in their room? Sensory details can create strong memory-bridges and personal follow-up moments.
It’s these small things – sweating the small stuff – that help you personalize your connection when you’re back home and far away.
Quietly Tucking Clues Into Your Back Pocket
You don’t need to document everything like a researcher on assignment. But jotting a few notes after bedtime or on the flight home can work wonders when you’re trying to remember if they still love dinosaurs or have moved on to deep-sea creatures.
After your visit, try this: Jot down three things you noticed – small, meaningful details that can help guide your video chats, letters, or future gift-giving.
That way, when you send mail or hop on a video chat, you’re not just talking – you’re connecting with them, their world, their interests.
And Remember…
While you’re being a Grand Detective, there’s one more tip I want to share for in-person visits – be sure to bite your tongue with love when it comes to the parents and parenting.
Even the most well-intentioned parenting advice can feel like judgment to a stressed-out parent.
If you haven’t read my blog on this yet, please do check it out because it was a very popular and useful one according to the many grandparents who wrote to me about it!
In-Person Visits: A Long-Distance Grandparent’s Guide to Biting Your Tongue With Love
Because connection with your grandchildren is rooted in trust and goodwill with their parents. And sometimes the best way to strengthen one relationship is to quietly step back in another.
And of course, treasure every moment and get in the photos and videos!
Happy Connecting!
Kerry Byrne, PhD
Founder
The Long Distance Grandparent
