The Unique Challenges of In-Person Visits for Long Distance Grandparents
As a long distance grandparent, visiting family often means diving into a whirlwind of intensive grandparenting. You’re not just stopping by for a quick visit or a Sunday dinner—you’re living alongside your children and grandchildren for days or even weeks. You’re not just observing their busy lives; you’re actively participating in them.
And let’s be honest: it can be eye-opening.
Many of you have shared that after a visit, you leave with a newfound appreciation for how busy, chaotic, and full your family’s lives are. You may think, “No wonder they don’t have more time to FaceTime—they’re juggling so much!”
While it’s rewarding to immerse yourself in their world, it’s also intense.
And even though you are indeed part of their daily routine while you are there, these visits do not exactly reflect their normal routine.
Kids often act differently when someone else is around—whether it’s more excitement, more meltdowns, or a mix of both. These moments together can be a heightened version of daily life for everyone involved.
In-person visits bring excitement, overtired kids and an irresistible urge to help the parents. It’s no wonder that amidst the chaos, it’s easy to unintentionally step on toes—especially when it comes to parenting choices.
It can take a real effort to resist commenting on what you’re seeing—whether it’s about chicken fingers for dinner (again), a chaotic bedtime routine, or how tantrums are being handled.
But here’s the thing: one of the most important things you can do during in-person visits is to hold back on offering advice about food, screen time, sleep habits, or discipline techniques—especially food and discipline, which are often sensitive topics for parents.
Let me pause here because this is worth acknowledging: it’s 100% natural to have thoughts, opinions, and feelings about these things. After all, you were parents, too. Even though things have changed, you’ve successfully raised children.
But choosing to hold back can make a difference.
And that’s what this is about: approaching these moments with patience and love, even when biting your tongue takes a fair bit of self-control!
Why Biting Your Tongue Matters
Here’s a truth: no parent arrives at a family gathering thinking, This is the perfect time to tackle picky eating, tantrums, screen time, potty training, sibling fighting, or disrespectful behavior. The children’s routines are upended and emotions are high – this is the perfect time to sort out the bigger challenges we are facing right now.
If challenges are happening, rest assured the parents are aware.
But in-person visits aren’t the time to solve big problems. They’re a time to survive the chaos, savor the moments together, and keep things enjoyable for everyone.
When grandparents step in—even from a place of love—it can add stress to an already charged situation.
Instead, stepping back sends a powerful message:
“I trust you. You’ve got this. I’m here to support, not critique.”
So instead of thinking, “I have to bite my tongue,” try reframing it as:
“I’m choosing not to say something because this is the most supportive thing I can do for my adult child and their partner. Holding back is an intentional and loving action.”
It can actually be really hard and takes some effort. Mostly because biting our tongues goes against natural instincts, but ultimately, it’s an act of love and support for parents who are likely already feeling at least a bit overwhelmed.
Real-Life Perspective: When Holding Back Makes a Difference
As a parent, I’ve been in situations where a grandparent’s intervention—though well-intentioned—added stress. For instance, when my dad saw my older son being unkind to my younger son, his instinct was to step in and say something firm. While his reaction came from a place of love (i.e., not wanting his little grandson to feel badly) it left me feeling overwhelmed because in the moment, I felt I had to calm myself, help my kids cope, teach better behavior, and manage his emotions. I didn’t want him to feel stressed or think I didn’t know it was an issue.
Looking back, had my dad chosen to step back, it would’ve reduced my stress in those moments of sibling rivalry. His silence could have conveyed:
“I see this is hard. I trust your approach. You’re doing great.”
Why am I sharing this?
Because even as someone who doesn’t harbor resentment, I can see how ‘stepping in’ can unintentionally strain relationships. And from working with thousands of grandparents, I know their ultimate intention is to build strong, supportive connections—not to harm them.
Handling Common In-Person Stressors
Mealtimes and Picky Eaters
It’s tempting to think, “Chicken fingers again? Really?” But parents aren’t tackling picky eating during holidays or visits. Their focus is on keeping things smooth and making sure everyone can enjoy this really important time together at the table. Refraining from commenting on how much or what your grandchild is eating can alleviate stress for everyone.
Tantrums and Disrespectful Behavior
When a child has a tantrum or says something rude, you might feel compelled to step in. But even if the parents appear to let it slide, they’re likely addressing the behavior later, away from the crowd. Public corrections often add stress rather than resolve issues. Trust that parents are choosing their battles wisely in the moment.
Sleep Habits
Bedtimes during visits often look different. The parents might be going with the flow and letting the kids stay up later than usual. Or they might be sticking to routines to the minute, especially for those with little ones. For many, well-rested kids mean more enjoyable moments together and it’s just not worth it to push a child who is really use to a routine – because everyone will pay for it later. Trust that the adjustments – or lack of adjustments – are exactly what your grandchildren and the parents need to make sure everyone is able to feel well rested and enjoy your time together.
Screen Time
Screens may appear more often or parents might have strict limits about screen time. Either way, trust the parents’ approach. In-person visits aren’t the time to debate screen time rules. Plus, screen time can be a moving target – parents are usually in the midst of either decreasing or increasing it as they monitor how their children respond to it. Video games and social media use for teens can actually be a really stressful and touchy topic. Most parents are aware that screen time decisions are really important and they are often guided by an intentional, if not completely consistent approach.
Overall, if you think back to when you were a parent, kids tend to save their hardest behaviors for the people they feel safest with—their parents. It can be tough to watch, but your choice to step back and bite your tongue with love, can go a long way towards strengthening your long-term relationship with the parents and, by extension, your grandchildren.
Practical Strategies for Staying Supportive
Start Your Day with Intention
Each morning, remind yourself:
“Today, I’m here to support my child as a parent and be a loving, encouraging presence for my grandchildren.”
Taking a moment to be intentional about it can really help if something arises throughout the day that requires you to step back. Without intention and a reminder to yourself, it can be harder to do this when the moment happens.
Step Back During Tough Moments
When bedtime chaos or tantrums erupt, the best help might be stepping away. If you’re unsure whether your presence is helping, simply ask:
“Would it be better if I gave you some space to handle this? I don’t want to make things harder.”
Save Your Feelings for Later
It’s natural to feel frustrated or disagree with parenting choices. Instead of voicing concerns during the visit, save them for a coffee date with a trusted friend when you get home. Venting privately is far less stressful for you and supportive to the parents.
The Rewards of Holding Back
By choosing to step back, you’re giving your children the trust and support they might really need most right now. It is a way of saying, “I see you. I trust you. You’re doing a great job.”
This message, especially amidst holiday or visit chaos, means a lot to a parent. Plus, it can strengthen your bond and creates a more relaxed environment that will be remembered long after the visit ends.
As a grandparent, you understand more than anyone how quickly time passes and how precious these moments are. Relationships matter most, and your choice to approach visits with intention and patience – and to bite your tongue with love – ensures that time together is savored by everyone.
