The Science of Surprisology: Why Your Grandchildren Remember the Unexpected Forever
What if there was actual research showing that surprising your grandchildren makes those moments stick in their minds longer than ordinary interactions? The science of surprise – sometimes called “surprisology” – shows that surprise acts like a memory highlighter, making experiences stand out in long-term memory.
Surprisiology is the science of how surprise shapes our behavior and memories.
“It turns out that surprise works on the dopamine system in our brains, helping us to focus our attention and inspiring us to look at our situation in new ways. “ Tania Luna & LeeAnn Renniger, PhD
One of the first books I purchased when I started The Long Distance Grandparent was about the science of surprise. I knew that surprise was important for long-distance grandparents – and years later, I’ve seen just how valuable it is for creating moments that really stand out for grandchildren.
[Here is a great article about why surprise is important to your life and relationships: Why humans need surprise.]
In a nutshell, studies show that when something unexpected happens, it not only makes us pay closer attention but also locks the experience more firmly into long-term memory.
In other words, surprise isn’t just fun, it’s a neurological tool for making moments unforgettable.
Do you have that person in your life, known for ‘surprises’?
I have a lifetime of training about surprises. My family is notorious for them and my own grandfather was the absolute King of Surprises.
Whether it was a funny, unexpected postcard or a surprise visit – he loved creating experiences and special moments for his family. When I was in my 20s, my Irish cousin and her boyfriend came to visit us in Canada. My Grandpa showed up at our family cottage with a cooler and cooked everyone bacon and eggs – on the BBQ – NO ONE does this in Ireland!
I’ll never forget it.
The science supports this: When something catches us off guard, our brains pay extra attention and store that experience more vividly than routine moments.
Why Breaking Patterns Works
My grandfather understood something important: memorable moments happen when we break our own patterns. When you do something your grandchildren don’t expect, their brains essentially say, “Wait, this is different. I need to remember this.”
One way to approach this is to try doing the opposite of what you normally do. If you’re usually serious, be silly. If you’re typically spontaneous, try something planned and thoughtful.
Simple Pattern-Breaking Ideas
The core piece of advice here is to go ‘off script’ when staying connected with your grandchildren from a distance. Three ideas to get you started:
1 If you always send a store-bought birthday card, try creating a homemade one. Make it extra-large so it stands out, decorate it with stickers, lipstick kisses or use labels to write all the things you love about them to stick to the envelope as a decoration.
2 For older grandchildren, surprise them by learning a little-known fact about something they are really interested in – and then surprise them with a random question about it. Maybe it’s about their favourite band, sport, hobby or a famous person they admire. And if you don’t know what they are interested in, be sure to grab my Grandchild Cheat Sheet – this will help you find out and keep track of it all.
3 Change your emotional temperature. If you’re naturally reserved, write a heartfelt letter sharing how you felt the day they were born or describing a moment when you felt incredibly proud of them. If you’re usually expressive, surprise them with a silly riddle competition or dad jokes they can share with friends.
The Magic is in the Unexpectedness
I’m not talking about expensive gifts or the kind of surprise that costs thousands to fly across the country. In fact, I think the small micro-moments are what matter most.
But it’s about using surprise to tap into the power of doing something they’ve never seen from you before.
The 5-year-old who receives their first homemade card will remember it differently than their tenth store-bought card.
The teen who receives a handwritten note with a fun fact related to the sport or video game they are interested in, will be struck that Grandpa really pays attention to what matters to them.
This isn’t the first time I’ve shared ideas based in surprise and it won’t be the last. Although I talk a lot about doing the same thing, creating rituals and being consistent – which are all important to long-term and long-distance relationships – these little surprise tweaks can shake things up from a distance.
Your Turn
Think about your last few interactions with your grandchildren. What patterns have you fallen into? How could you flip one of those patterns the next time you connect?
The science is clear: when you surprise your grandchildren, you’re not just entertaining them in the moment – you’re creating memories that will last a lifetime.
What surprise will you try next?
Need some help to shake up how you are connecting? Check out The LDG Ideas Club. Each month I send you mail to print out and send them – and games and activities to do together on video chats. Reach out if you have any questions!
