Long distance grandparenting is a unique journey. It can be filled with love and deep connection – but it’s also marked by moments of longing, uncertainty, and doubt.
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from working with thousands of long distance grandparents is this:
Connection ebbs and flows.
I realize this doesn’t sound like rocket science, but hear me out.
This happens in many relationships, but it feels different for long-distance grandparents.
When the connection ebbs (decreases), it can bring up emotions and thoughts of irrelevance, loneliness, worry, and even grief.
These feelings are hard to navigate, especially when others don’t fully understand the unique challenges of staying connected from a distance.
Why Long distance Grandparenting Ebbs and Flows
All relationships have their ups and downs, but the nature of long distance grandparenting makes the rhythm even more pronounced.
The reasons are layered:
- Children Grow and Change Rapidly: A two-year-old who can’t sit still on a video chat will eventually grow into a curious five-year-old who wants to show you their latest artwork. That same child will someday become a busy tween who you can use sports trivia to bond over and a teenager who might just need you to listen and acknowledge what a good friend or part-time employee they are – and then one day they are a thoughtful young adult who asks about your childhood. And through each age and stage, they can pull away for reasons that have nothing to do with you. But that’s hard to remember – or even think of when you are longing for connection.
- Life Stages of Parents: Your adult children are navigating their own complex lives. Their availability and willingness to prioritize video calls can fluctuate depending on what they’re juggling—careers, school schedules, social lives, or even their own emotional states. So many times, I’ve worked with grandparents who feel distance creeping in to their relationships, only to find out that it had nothing to do with them, but a tricky mental health issue that the parents didn’t want to worry a grandparent about until they had it figured out. There are situations when the parents of your grandchildren don’t want to worry you because the reality is that they are often acutely aware of the stress and emotional strain they’ve already placed on you due to living at a distance.
- Your Own Life Stages: Long distance grandparents aren’t static either. Your health and availability change. You might be working full-time and squeezing out time for travel but at the same feel exhausted after years of international travel. At some point now, or in the future, you might be navigating retirement, health challenges, or even caregiving responsibilities. You will change too and your willingness to travel and sleep on a pull-out couch could ebb and flow as well!
When Connection Ebbs (feels halted or limited)
When the connection doesn’t feel as strong, it’s easy to feel discouraged or even question the bond altogether. It can feel like the relationship is slipping away, one unanswered text or missed call at a time.
You might wonder if your grandchild is too young to remember you or worry that they’re growing up without knowing who you are. You may feel the sting of seeing other grandparents who live close by getting more frequent hugs, babysitting gigs and family gatherings.
But here’s the truth: An ebb doesn’t mean the end. It’s simply part of the rhythm.
When Connection Flows
Then, just as suddenly as it ebbed, the connection flows back in. You get an unexpected video call full of laughter and stories. A text arrives with a picture of your grandchild holding the toy or postcard you sent them. They show off their new dance move or a teen asks for help with a school project because they remembered you talking about that topic before. Or perhaps they send you a funny meme out of the blue—a small gesture that says, I thought of you today. One day, you might even get a late-night call just to talk because they feel safe opening up to you.
These are the moments that remind you why you keep showing up, even when it’s hard.
Beyond Ebb and Flow: Thinking in Cycles
It’s not just about ebbs and flows. It’s about cycles—periods of distance followed by bursts of closeness. Just because something feels distant now doesn’t mean it’s gone. Just because communication is quiet doesn’t mean the relationship is fading.
Consider this: A quiet season doesn’t mean nothing is growing.
How to Navigate the Ebb and Flow
- Shift Your Perspective: Recognize that the rhythm of connection is natural. When you expect the ebb and flow, it can feel less heavy.
- Keep the Door Open: Send a message, a short letter, or little reminders of your presence—even if you don’t get an immediate response. Seeds planted today might bloom later.
- Focus on Moments, Not Minutes: It’s not about how much time you spend but how meaningful the moments are. A heartfelt conversation or a shared laugh carries more weight than the number of minutes on a video call.
- Trust in the Cycle: If you’re in an ebb, remind yourself that a flow could be right around the corner.
- Embrace the Power of Patience: Allow the relationship to breathe. Sometimes, just giving your grandchild and adult children space—without pressure to connect – can create room for them to come to you when they’re ready. Patience helps you navigate the flow with greater ease, knowing that both you and your grandchild are on your own unique timelines.
- Send a Simple, Heartfelt Message: Sometimes, all it takes is a single sentence—like,“I’m so proud of you because…”It doesn’t need to be long, but it can make a world of difference, reminding your grandchild that you’re thinking of them and are proud of who they are. This small act can be meaningful at any stage of their life, whether they’re 3 or 17.
Hold On for the Flow
If you’re experiencing an ebb right now, it doesn’t mean you’re losing your grandchild. It simply means the relationship is taking a different shape for a while.
Your presence matters. Even in the quiet moments. Even when it feels like you’re on the outside looking in.
I’ll write this again: A quiet season doesn’t mean nothing is growing
Hold on. The flow will come. And when it does, you’ll be ready to meet it.
Want a few unique ways to connect with your grandchildren? Find out more about my free guide for long-distance grandparents by clicking HERE.
As always, in your connection corner,
Kerry
