If you are trying to find ways to stay in touch with your grandchildren and nurture a strong bond with them, parents are both the most crucial—and at times, the most challenging—partners.
But what I’ve learned from working with long distance grandparents, is that truly understanding the parents’ perspective – and putting yourselves in their shoes, can really help.
In fact, nurturing a strong connection with parents is vital — and it requires consistent effort.
During a recent LDG Society workshop I hosted about the grief of grandparenting from a distance, one thing stood out: the immense effort grandparents put into understanding the parents’ perspective.
Grandparents extend a lot of grace to parents – often carrying the emotional weight of distance quietly, not wanting to add stress to their adult children.
You hold so much love and hope alongside the tough emotions of grandparenting. It’s hard not to take it personally when your adult child takes days to respond—or doesn’t respond at all. You may feel dismissed.
But their silence is rarely about you.
Understanding why this happens can ease frustration.
I say ease because when parents don’t engage – it’s frustrating, full stop.
So if you’re thinking, I’ve tried everything… I believe you.
The reasons I write about won’t necessarily make you feel better, and they don’t excuse your adult child’s behavior.
But they might help you see that a lack of communication isn’t always personal.
Often, it’s partly generational.
Let’s explore some reasons (not excuses) why the parents might not be as engaged in the connection as you are right now.
They Are Digitally Overwhelmed
As you well know, parenting is a round-the-clock job – thankless at times, always changing, and filled with both highs and lows. You might remember that overwhelming feeling from your own parenting days, but it’s possible that gramnesia is in play.
While I personally don’t love this term coined by millennial parents – and will write about it more in the coming months – it is an attempt to explain the tendency to remember mostly the good parts about parenting. It’s evolutionary (and probably explains why kids have siblings!).
Parenting has always had its ups and downs. But today’s parents face an added layer of stress: the digital landscape.
Not only is parenting advice everywhere, often framed in judgmental or alarmist tones and making parents feel like they aren’t measuring up to a certain standard – parents are simply overwhelmed by a constant flood of digital messages.
Consider a typical day in a parent’s digital life:
- School emails about field trips, theme days, permission slips, lice and fundraising
- Text and email appointment reminders and cancellations (everything from dentist to haircuts is digital)
- Kid activity updates: practice schedules, events, upcoming tournaments
- Playdate texts, birthday RSVPs
- Camp sign-ups for march break and summer holidays
- Group messages with other parents, coaches, carpool groups
- Family group messages – sometimes multiple ones for each side of the family.
Three kids? Three times the number of messages!
This doesn’t include the various friend group messages they likely have as they try to keep up relationships with friends back home. Nor does it include work related emails or team messages from colleagues.
Sometimes, I can’t even remember where someone messaged me!
Amid all this, perhaps mom or dad called or texted to arrange a facetime chat.
I’ve experienced this myself: You can think to call your parent back 10 times throughout the day and then it’s not until you get into bed at 10 and you are ordering new shoes from Amazon for basketball for one of your kids – and you realize you didn’t call them back.
And now it’s too late or you can’t muster up the energy to sound positive and you don’t want to worry them.
This is the reality of modern parenting.
While it’s not fair that grandparents end up shouldering the emotional weight of parental overwhelm, it is important to really understand that the lack of response is often not a reflection of how much you matter.
It comes down to logistics and overwhelm.
It’s also a completely different reality from past generations. There was a landline, and people answered it. If the line was busy, you called back or maybe left a message.
If you didn’t connect that day, you just waited until the next day to try them again. No expectation of an instant response.
Modern Parenting Stress: Screen time
Screen time struggles add a layer of parenting stress you likely didn’t face. Between navigating changing recommendations, researching video games, and monitoring what and how much kids watch, it requires constant attention.
Growing up, we had a couple of hours of cartoons on Saturday mornings and one show during the week. Now, there are thousands of options, and parents of all ages of kids are managing screen time requests – and sometimes arguments and meltdowns daily.
Virtual Grandparenting Is New
Millennial and Gen X parents didn’t grow up FaceTiming their grandparents, so it’s not instinctive for them to make time for virtual visits. Long distance grandparents are pioneers in virtual connection—reading stories, using puppets, and finding creative ways to engage.
While the pandemic pushed more families into virtual connections, many grandparents have been connecting with their grandchildren through video chats for years. Parents may not realize how interactive virtual visits can be.
Showing up with a game or an activity—rather than just asking, “How’s school?”—makes all the difference.
Time Is Experienced Differently Across Generations
Time is experienced differently across generations. Younger generations are often so caught up in their busy lives that they don’t fully realize how limited their time with older family members might be.
I’ve often heard from grandparents who reflect on their own relationship with their parents, wondering if they gave them enough attention.
From this nana:
I feel badly now about how little we visited my parents only 40 miles away. Did we tell them they were welcome any time? I remember being delighted by visits. Afraid I assumed they just knew. My Mom especially. Sigh.
Or from this grandma:
I wonder if I always called my own mother back in a timeframe that made her feel respected and not an afterthought. I really can’t remember. But she was never an afterthought. I loved her. I still miss her every day.
Have you ever found yourself wondering: Did I make my parents feel valued enough? Did they feel irrelevant? Unimportant to our family?
I ask myself similar questions about my own dad. After he passed away, I reflected on our decision to move overseas when he was in his 70s. I assumed he’d live well into his 90s. I thought, Best do it now while the kids are young and he’s still healthy.
I didn’t realize those five years would make up five of the final eight years I’d ever have with him.
If I had known, would I have made the same choice?
Probably not.
But at the time, I just couldn’t comprehend how limited our time really was.
This generational difference in how we experience time is a factor in why parents might not prioritize communication as much as you would like.
It is also at least in part, a generational issue. The natural cycle of family life is that, at some point, older generations (typically parents) have a greater emotional investment in maintaining close relationships with their children than the children do with their parents.
This is known as the Intergenerational Stake Hypothesis. I’ll explore it more another time, but it has been studied extensively.
As Dr. Karl Pillemer, an internationally recognized family sociologist concludes: In general, parents care more about the relationship than their adult child.
Ouch! But I share this because some grandparents I work with have found this knowledge to be weirdly comforting.
Sidenote: If you’re dealing with a strained relationship, Dr. Pillemer’s book Fault Lines is a must-read. If this is the case for you, there might be deeper issues at play that go beyond what I cover in this blog. I’ll be writing more soon about how to handle strained relationships with adult children or in-laws, especially for grandparents, where distance can make it harder to repair the connection. I’ve worked with many grandparents facing these challenges, which has made staying connected to their grandchildren even more difficult.
What You Can Do
Open Up a Line of Communication about Staying in Touch
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution for getting parents more engaged in staying connected, but a heartfelt conversation can help. Approach it with warmth, not guilt. Here are some examples of how you can start the conversation:
- “How can I make it easier for us to stay connected? You’re so important to us, and we just want to be close.”
- “I know life is busy. Is there anything I can do to make staying in touch easier?”
- “I don’t want to add pressure, but I do miss you all. Is there a time for a quick check-in—5 minutes tops?”
- “What if we shared a meal once a month over video? I could order pizza or your favorite takeout. Just being there, even for a few minutes, would mean so much.”
- “Could we have a quick 5-minute chat? I have a fun game to try and play with the kids.”
The goal is to offer suggestions that make connection easier, not harder.
And if a call doesn’t happen some weeks, that’s okay – especially with school-aged kids or during busy times of the year. Let the parents know you understand if the kids don’t always want to chat or keep it short.
Make It Easier to Connect Virtually
Here are some additional suggestions for video chat time you can offer up to the parents – ones I’ve personally used in my family and that other long distance grandparents have found helpful too:
- Video chats during meals when the kids are expected to stay at the table. You can join the conversation, just ‘be there’ propped up against the milk or lead a group game for the family (e.g., alphabet gratitude)
- Snack chats work well too. Kids often stay at the table for a snack, so it’s a good time for a quick game.
- If possible, schedule a weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly video chat. Knowing when the next call will happen helps kids get ready and respond positively.
- Suggest a five-minute chat where you play a quick game. Instead of waiting for long, uninterrupted calls, aim for short check-ins. A few minutes can go a long way in maintaining connection—these micro moments add up over time.
Consistency matters.
These small touchpoints help maintain the connection, but it’s important to adjust your expectations. If it’s a busy time—like back-to-school or the holidays—be patient and flexible.
Lean on Snail Mail – Especially During Busy Times – for all ages
Kids respond best to colorful, fun mail with minimal writing. Their attention spans are short, so keep it light and playful.
Even for tweens and teens – a short note is best unless you are writing something like a milestone letter.
These are important touchpoints, and they are more likely to read something short and sweet.
If you’re looking for ideas for snail mail and video chat games for grandchildren ages 2 to 10, check out The LDG Ideas Club.
Each month, I send you fun, interactive ideas that will help you get to know your grandkids—and vice versa. I’ve heard from so many long distance grandparents who are having a lot of fun with their grandchildren using these ideas.
Closing Thought
Your grandchildren may not fully appreciate it now, but one day, they’ll remember the effort you put in. Even if their parents seem distant or overwhelmed, your love and consistency matter.
So, if you’re waiting for a call or response, take a deep breath.
Okay—actually, take ten!
Patience, effort, and open communication are key. Though you experience time differently than they do, this moment is just a snapshot in their lifetime. Stay focused on the long-term connection—because with understanding and persistence, you can still be a part of it.
Want a few unique ways to connect with your grandchildren? Find out more about my free guide for long-distance grandparents by clicking HERE.
In your connection corner,
Kerry
