Perhaps, like me, you’ve seen tons of viral videos of grandparents and grandchildren sharing moments – running into one another’s arms at the airport, kids chasing the car as grandparents drive away – or a grandpa dancing with his granddaughter at her wedding.
It’s understandable why these clips go viral – they strike a chord. Personally, I believe they reveal something we all seem to understand, no matter our age: that the bond between a grandparent and grandchild is profoundly meaningful. These moments tap into a collective truth about the importance of family connections and the lasting imprint grandparents can leave on a child’s well-being.
But these clips are literally a highlight reel – and they do not tell the whole story about what it takes to help families stay connected across generations – and in your case across distance.
As a long-distance grandparent, you don’t get the daily moments—picking them up from school, the quick hug before bedtime, the drop in for dinner after a sports tournament.
And that is hard.
It can feel like you’re on the sidelines, or like your presence will never carry the same weight as the grandparents who live closer.
But here’s the truth: showing up from a distance still counts. It takes effort, intention, and love on purpose.
And kids? They remember who made the effort.
But before we can talk about how to show up from a distance, we need to talk about how it can feel to show up from a distance.
Because the reality for long-distance grandparents is that showing up isn’t simple. It takes persistence, a willingness to try new ways to connect – and for many, the need to navigate some seriously complex family dynamics.
I’ve noticed parents of grandchildren are all over social media saying they wish their own parents were more involved with their children.
At the same time, grandparents often feel like they’re trying… and still find themselves on the outside looking in.
This disconnect reveals a deeper truth: strong intergenerational bonds don’t just happen within families. They’re built—carefully, consistently, and often with more emotional effort than we talk about.
In this first part of this two-part series, I will explore:
- Why “showing up” is more than just being physically present
- The emotional realities on both sides of the parent-grandparent relationship
- Why the quiet work you’re doing matters—even when it goes unseen
The Disconnect Between Generations
Because I follow both grandparent and parent accounts on social media, I often see parents expressing a longing:
“I wish my parents made more of an effort.”
“I wish they cared more about building a relationship with my kids.”
And I understand that heartache.
Maybe you felt it too when your own children were young—when a grandparent didn’t show up in the way you hoped. Maybe they rarely asked about the kids, didn’t seem curious about what they were up to, or stayed wrapped up in their own lives.
It’s painful when someone you want in your child’s life doesn’t prioritize that connection.
But here’s what I also know: many grandparents are trying.
They’re writing letters. They’re learning to use video calls, apps, and technology they didn’t grow up using. They’re organizing games, story time, and mailing fun care packages.
They’re stretching themselves in every direction to stay connected across distance and generations.
I suspect these are the grandparents who reach out to me – and this likely describes you.
Because you care deeply, and you want to be involved.
But what I’ve noticed is that some of you are hesitant – not because you don’t want the relationship, but because you’ve tried, and it didn’t go well.
Or you felt like your presence wasn’t welcome. You might be worried about overstepping.
I often hear some version of this from grandparents:
“I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.”
“I think I did something wrong, but I’m not sure what.”
“We just had a visit and something has changed, something has shifted.”
Recently, I asked my email subscribers to describe what they mean when they say they are walking on eggshells. Their responses were insightful and deeply moving. I will write more about this soon but I was struck by how many expressed feeling the need to watch every word – and how much they worry about saying or doing the wrong thing.
And when something does slip out, they’re hard on themselves, replaying the moment, berating themselves heavily and wishing they could more easily bite their tongue in the moment.
I hear from grandparents who weigh every request they make – and often second-guess themselves. Things like:
“I’d love a few more photos. Should I ask? I know they’re busy.
“I really miss all of them. I’d love to see them. I don’t want to bother them though…”
Depending on your own situation, you might be thinking, “Why not just talk to the parents about it?”
Some grandparents do.
But others describe their relationships with their adult children or in-laws as fragile, tense, or “a bit tricky.”
It’s not as easy as it sounds to talk about challenging emotions and feelings – especially when you are doing this from a distance.
Grandparents share things with me like:
“We have limited time during a visit, and so we don’t bring up the tension. We try and focus on the positives and the time we do get to have together.”
Ultimately, they hesitate because they are worried it might ruin the visit or hurt their chances of being invited again.
So while the hope for connection runs deep, so does the fear of overstepping or upsetting the parents.
And in today’s world, where we hear more stories of family estrangement and limited contact between parents and adult children, the fear is real.
Most grandparents know or have heard of someone experiencing limited or no contact with their grandchildren because their adult child or their partner is upset with the grandparents.
Many grandparents are quietly carrying various fears or worries:
– What if I try to start a conversation and it really upsets my daughter-in-law or son-in-law? What if they think I’m overreacting?
– What if I say something and it makes life harder for my adult child and their family in the process?
– What if I lose access to my grandchildren altogether?
This is obviously the last thing most grandparents want to do—that is, attempt to talk about something—and then make the situation worse.
Two Sides, Same Longing
There’s a painful paradox here.
Parents out there who are longing for more involvement from their own parents or in-laws.
And then grandparents out there longing to be invited in – but unsure how, or whether their efforts will be welcome.
Sometimes, in these situations grandparents step back and show up less – thinking it’s safer.
Like, “The less I see them in person, the lower the chance I’ll upset the parents.”
And sometimes, I hear from grandparents who feel like the parents don’t seem invested in the relationship.
It feels like the parents think it’s a nice to have, not a priority.
Why can it feel this way?
It depends.
Most parents today didn’t grow up having video chats with their own grandparents. It’s new for everyone.
Also, parenting today is demanding in different ways than it was when you were a parent.
Every generation of parents is tired to some extent, juggling all the things – but parents today experience digital overwhelm and are overloaded with texts and emails to respond to professionally – and from family.
But parents are a critical part of the connection equation. And if they want their children to benefit from the richness of a grandparent relationship, they also need to show up to the connection table.
That’s why inside The LDG Society (my membership program for long-distance grandparents), I focus on helping grandparents partner with parents—finding ways to open up conversations and, importantly, knowing when not to.
I’m all for open communication – but it should be well thought out beforehand. I encourage grandparents to work through their own emotions first – whether it’s through talking to our community of long distance grandparents, to a trusted friend or to a professional.
In an upcoming guide, I will be sharing conversation starters and considerations for those of you who are walking on eggshells, but for now, it can help to ask yourself:
- Do I have realistic expectations of this family, given the season they’re in?
- How do I want the other person to feel after our conversation?
- Am I approaching this with curiosity and compassion, or with frustration and judgment?
- What outcome am I hoping for? (More video chats? More invitations? A better understanding of the tension and how to repair it?). This can shift your mindset from reacting emotionally to engaging intentionally.
- Am I carrying any hurt or assumptions that could get in the way of truly listening?
Repairing a strained relationship can take time, tough conversations, and sometimes even therapy. And it also requires sons, daughters, and in-laws who are willing to show up with openness and grace.
Because even when everyone says they want strong grandparent-grandchild bonds, not everyone knows how to build those connections from a distance – or how to heal what’s come before.
Often, it means reimagining what “family connection” really looks like when love stretches across time zones, new family structures and generations.
It might look like:
- Practicing listening without getting defensive (this can be really hard).
- Trusting there’s a reason they haven’t called or texted back
- Being mindful not to lean on guilt (more on that in an upcoming post).
- Letting go of how you thought this role would look — and embracing what is so you can build meaningful relationships, even if they don’t look the way you imagined.
A Deeper Truth
All of this points to something deeper:
We need stronger emotional and relational bridges between generations, within our families.
Geography is only one kind of distance. Planes, trains and automobiles can get us to one another physically.
Often, the harder bridge to build is emotional.
Intergenerational bonds within families don’t form automatically. They’re built through mutual respect, curiosity, and shared experience. They require effort, patience – and a willingness to see one another as evolving human beings.
This is true between grandparents and parents.
And it’s just as true between grandparents and grandchildren – especially as those children grow and form their own opinions.
The strongest relationships aren’t perfect. They’re flexible. They bend without breaking and thrive based on a willingness to keep learning, adjusting, and showing up – even when it’s hard.
Coming Next in Part 2…
So what does “showing up” really look like when you’re a long-distance grandparent?
In Part 2 of this series, I’ll focus specifically on what you can do – whether virtually, by mail, or during visits – so you feel empowered, not stuck.
Because showing up from a distance isn’t about grand gestures or perfectly curated moments. It’s about consistency, creativity, and communication.
We will explore how that looks in real life.
In the meantime, if you haven’t picked up my free guide yet with easy ideas for staying connected, you can find it here:
3 Key Ways to Build Bonds with Your Grandchildren from a Distance
