You Will Throw A Lot of Spaghetti at the Wall as a Long Distance Grandparent
What do I mean by this?
When I was little, my mom used to let us throw spaghetti at the wall to see if it stuck.
If it did, it was ready. If it didn’t, we had to cook it longer.
(Was this just a weird thing we did in my house, or is this a real thing?)
I’ve had the privilege of walking the long distance grandparenting path with many grandparents over an extended period of time.
This means I’ve watched as they’ve tried a ton of different ways to connect with their grandchildren.
Some ideas work beautifully. Others fall flat one week, only to be a hit a month later!
And just when they’ve found the perfect thing that sticks, their grandchild has a developmental leap or a massive change in interests.
Again!
One grandmother I worked with joined a FaceTime chat wearing silly Halloween glasses – only to have her 2-year-old granddaughter run away in fear! Next time, she switched tactics, ditching the glasses and drawing a face on a banana instead. The playful (but less scary) approach was a hit with her granddaughter.
Why Long Distance Grandparenting Can Feel Harder
This is one of the reasons long distance grandparenting can feel more challenging than local grandparenting.
When you live nearby, you see the small shifts in real time. You notice when they start choosing chapter books over picture books, or when their obsession with dinosaurs is replaced by a love of space.
Or when they move from tweenager to teenager and they are 100% committed to anything related to their friends, with family taking a bit of a backseat.
But when you’re long distance, those changes can feel more abrupt.
One visit, your grandchild is excited to play the game you always play together.
The next time you connect, they say it’s “boring.”
A tradition they loved last year now gets a shrug.
Of course, the reality is that kids have always grown and changed at lightning speed.
But it does mean that long distance grandparents have to keep adjusting to keep up.
Figuring Out What Interests Them (Right Now)
So how do you figure out what will work? Here are some ways to “boil” your ideas before throwing them at the wall:
- Ask Questions That Spark Conversation – Instead of “What do you like to do?”, try “If you could do anything for a whole day, what would it be?” or “What’s something fun you’ve done this week?”
- Follow Their Lead – Notice what they’re excited about. Are they always doodling? Playing a particular game? Talking about a favorite show or the same friend over and over? Use those clues.
- Try Short, Low-Stakes Activities – Instead of planning a big project, experiment with small things: a quick game, a silly voice message, a funny photo challenge. See what gets a reaction.
- Involve Them in the Process – Ask, “Would you rather play a game or hear a story today?” or “Should I send you a joke or a riddle tomorrow?” Giving them choices increases engagement.
Staying Connected with Tweens and Teens
As grandchildren enter their tween and teen years, their need for independence grows—and so does their reluctance to participate in things they once enjoyed. That doesn’t mean they don’t want a relationship with you. It just means you might need to adapt. Here are some considerations:
– Give them space to opt in. Instead of pushing them to participate, invite them with open-ended options: “No pressure, but I’d love to hear about your latest project/game/sport sometime.”
– Go where they are. If they prefer texting to video calls, adjust. If they’re into a particular app, consider using it to connect.
– Respect their interests, even if they’re not yours. Whether it’s gaming, anime, or a music genre you don’t understand, showing curiosity about what they love goes a long way.
And keep in mind: supporting your teenage grandchild in their friendships is important because friendships in the teen years have long term implications for them as adults (e.g., teen friendships related to how supportive they are as a parent!)
Experiment and Reflect
The key to long distance grandparenting isn’t finding the perfect formula—it’s a willingness to keep trying. Keep adjusting. Keep showing up. Because the effort itself is what builds the bond.
And when you find something that truly sticks—when you see their face light up, lean in, and engage—you’ll know that all your experimenting was worth it.
If you would like to try fresh and creative ways to connect with your grandchildren (ages 2 to 10), check out The LDG Ideas Club—a highly rated digital subscription I created especially for long distance grandparents.
Each month, I send you a downloadable PDF packed with fun video chat games, engaging conversation starters, and snail mail to send to your grandchildren that will help you get to know them – and also share things about yourself with them!
I’ve created these ideas based on research about how to nurture relationships with kids—and they’ve been tested by hundreds of grandparents like you. If you want fresh inspiration each month, The LDG Ideas Club is a great place to start.
As always, in your connection corner,
Kerry
