Grandparents spend money on everything from toys and books to travel and education for their grandchildren – to the tune of 179 billion dollars per year.
But here’s the thing, based on research and my own work, grandparents are more interested in emotionally investing in their grandchildren. And while financial investments are certainly important, the majority of people across all generations agree that they are not the most important.
Consider that 75% of retirees report that memories, values and life lessons are the most important things to pass along to loved ones, rather than money, real estate or other financial assets. And notably, 82% of adults who are non-retirees report that memories, values, and life lessons are the most important things to receive as an inheritance.
What does it mean to emotionally invest in your grandchildren?
Emotional investments consist of all the love, encouragement, time, and effort you put into having an intentional and meaningful relationship with them.
And as a grandparent, you have a multitude of opportunities available to you – regardless of geographic distance.
Emotional deposits can be anything from writing monthly letters to your grandchildren, sharing photos and family stories, making time to be playful and silly, really listening to them and keeping up with their changing interests and passions.
Does emotionally investing into your grandchildren cost money?
Sure, it can.
But it can range from the cost of a stamp to send a meaningful letter letting them know you noticed how hard they worked to achieve something, to airline tickets to visit them in-person, to planning a skip-gen travel holiday with your grandchildren (when you leave the parents behind and just take grandchildren!).
All of these things cost money but are ultimately aimed at nurturing a relationship with your grandchildren.
Emotional investments can also include the time and money you invest into courses or books about becoming engaged and intentional with your grandparenting.
And while relative to parenting blogs, it’s still a new area, there are hundreds of blogs about grandparenting covering everything from what you need to know about new grandparents, issues faced by grandmothers and those specific to grandfathers.
More recently, there are companies like mine, driven by a mission to connect generations, offering products and services aimed at strengthening connections between grandparents and grandchildren.
Most emotional deposits require more time and planning than money.
From a distance, this requires a deep commitment to your grand investment because grandparenting from a distance, takes extra time and effort and can be incredibly tough emotionally for you to sustain.
How true this can be, especially when you are trying everything, and it can feel like you are not getting much in return. This is where the analogy to a financial investment can be instructive.
Financial investments rarely result in immediate benefits.
It takes time to build capital. It’s the same with emotional investments. They take time to see a return on investment because it takes time to build emotional capital.
And sometimes, you don’t get to be the one to directly benefit most from it.
Emotional shares can take a long time to vest. The benefits of the time, encouragement and love you provide for your grandchildren might not vest until they are adults.
And like financial investments, sometimes you will need to diversify your emotional investments.
For instance, if your teen grandchild doesn’t seem to want to chat with you as much, maybe it’s time to write a few letters instead. Or start sending a Motivational Monday text their way reminding them about something unique or special about them.
If the little ones just want to run around while you video chat, do some research about games that let them do this – the behind the scenes work of grandparenting from a distance.
Don’t let your emotions play into your investments
Many financial institutions advise against letting your emotions play into your financial investments. And in some ways, this also holds true for emotional investments into your grandchildren.
You can’t let your emotions take over.
What?
Wait a minute.
Isn’t emotionally investing all about emotions?
Well, yes and… grandparenting from a distance also comes with a lot of tough emotions.
Long distance grandparents sometimes feel irrelevant, left behind, excluded or a deep sadness about missing out on the day-to-day happenings of grandchildren.
They grieve the loss of time together to nurture bonds.
Most long distance grandparents have these feelings, at least on occasion. I have come to understand that this is grief and I call it grandparent grief (you can read more about it here)
Turns out that grief is not always about someone dying, rather it can be about the feelings of sadness and loss associated with how you envisioned a relationship, in this case, grandparenting – versus what it looks like right now.
Why does investing emotionally matter?
In short, because it creates emotional capital that your grandchildren – and you – will draw on for years to come.
When grandparents and grandchildren have strong relationships, grandchildren report lower levels of depression, higher well-being and score higher on measures of kindness and generosity, what researchers call pro-social behaviors.
If there was a vitamin we could give our children, that had even half the effects that a strong and positive relationship with a grandparent provides, it would be sold out.
According to the authors of The Good Life, a recently published book that summarizes the results of numerous longitudinal studies where people have been followed for their entire lives, they keep finding the same thing:
Relationships are key to a good life – emotionally and physically.
It appears that investing in a relationship with your grandchild is good for their health – and yours too.
Nurturing a strong and meaningful relationship with your grandchild is, in essence, building an important source of emotional capital for them – that grandchildren draw on as they become teens and then adults.
Up against the backdrop of alarming headlines and findings from family and child development experts about the sheer numbers of children and young adults struggling with mental health issues, I believe grandparents can help cure what ails us.
If you need a hand with practical and meaningful ways to emotionally invest in your grandchildren, check out a few more articles on this blog. Based on over 20 years as a research scientist in the area of aging, I share research-backed ways to connect – combined with my own experience as a parent working hard to keep her own children connected to their long distance grandparents.
And to immediately dive in to some of the ideas that I and others have about strengthening relationships with your grandchildren, be sure to sign-up for this free virtual celebration and education conference: Grandparents Week. It starts today, September 10th, which is Grandparents Day in many countries around the world. If you are reading this after September 10th, you can still sign-up, it is happening all week.
I’d love for you to join me!
Kerry