I want to show you how to look for – and use – something called bright spots in your grandparenting from a distance.
Now despite what this sounds like, it’s not about looking for the positive in a sea of negatives – which I find long distance grandparents are often advised to do – not by me because this role is much more nuanced and requires more than simply focusing on the positives.
So I’m not going to be the one telling you to just be grateful you get to be a grandparent. Or be grateful because at least you have Facetime. Both things are true and yes, long distance grandparents are usually grateful for both.
But I’m not talking about looking at the bright side of things in lieu of the negatives.
I’m talking about something authors Dan and Chip Heath discussed in their book called Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard.
I read this book a couple of decades ago and it really changed the way I approached my own research at the time in the area of family caregiving and older adults. It has since informed the development of The Long Distance Grandparent.
A bright spot occurs when you are trying to change something in a challenging situation so you ask this question:
What’s working, and how can I do more of it?
The idea behind identifying bright spots is to look at what is working well so you can replicate it to bring about improvement.
This is often applied to system types of changes in health care or education, but it applies to family relationships too.
How does this relate to long distance grandparenting?
A grandparenting bright spot happens when you do something to nurture the connection and your grandchild responds well, the parents value it or it made you feel connected.
Let’s discuss a quick example:
It could be about a piece of mail you sent that they particularly loved. Maybe it had a story about mum or dad at the age your grandchild is right now. Maybe your grandchild loved it and found it funny.
Or the mum loved it because it gave her a chance to say see, I was like that too.
And maybe you loved writing it because you had a moment to reflect on being a mum again.
For all of these reasons, I’d call this a bright spot and something you can double down on and tweak because you’ve learned that everyone enjoys it when you take the time to nurture that connection amongst generations.
And so maybe every few months, in the letters you send, you share a story about mummy or daddy or an aunt or uncle with them.
Side note: Research by Robyn Fivush, PhD about the value of family stories highlights that stories about a family’s positive moments and ability to bounce back from difficult ones are of particular value to share with children.
3 Ways to Use Bright Spots for Long Distance Grandparents
In The LDG Society, a membership program I lead for long distance grandparents, I teach grandparents to use bright spots in 3 ways.
- First, keep track of them, write them down and keep them somewhere special such as in a journal or file folder. Because going back to them and reflecting on moments when you felt connected can be especially powerful on those days when it doesn’t feel that way.
- Second, identifying these bright spots can actually bring to mind ideas for how you can tweak them and re-use ideas that have worked already.
For instance, did a set of Would You Rather questions about video games you came up with result in some really interesting conversations and discussions with a grandchild? Well then continue to find ways to gamify your conversation because you have evidence it worked.
In our membership program, grandparents were given a chocolate tasting activity for a video chat that many grandchildren (and parents and grandparents) loved. It’s interactive, it’s about chocolate and the whole family can participate. It’s a bright spot!
A tweak to this could be hosting an international snack tasting session. Choose and send a diverse range of snacks such as Japanese rice crackers, Mexican spicy candies, Italian biscotti or French macarons. Kids and adults can rate the snack based on flavor, texture and overall enjoyment.
- Third, bright spots can result in a ritual or tradition for you and your grandchild. Did they absolutely love a singing card you sent in the mail? Or maybe they loved a secret coded message you sent.
These are things you can do over and over again throughout the years and something that you become known for as a grandparent. Because let’s face it, a singing card is fun whether you are 2 or 22 and a letter written in code is fun no matter the age!
How to identify bright spots in your relationship with your grandchild and the parents
Okay so now I want to help you identify bright spots so you can use them in your own grandparenting.
Here are 7 prompts to help you think of and remember the bright spots:
- Think back to a recent interaction or activity with your grandchild that made you both smile. What was special about it and how can you recreate it or build on it in the future?
- Reflect on the last time you felt particularly close to your grandchild. What were you doing or talking about? How can you include similar activities or conversations into your regular routine?
- Consider any recent surprises or gestures you’ve made to show your love and affection for your grandchild. How did they react, and what impact did it have on your relationship? How can you continue to express your love and encourage them in meaningful ways?
- Recall any shared interests or hobbies you and your grandchild have discussed or enjoyed together. How can you use technology or creative solutions to engage in these activities despite the distance?
- Reflect on the last time you celebrated a special occasion or milestone with your grandchild, even if you couldn’t be there in person. How did you make the moment memorable and how can you build on those ideas for future celebrations?
- Think about any traditions or rituals you and your grandchild have started, even across the distance. What makes them special and how can you uphold them or create new ones to strengthen your bond?
- Reflect on any instances where your grandchild shared exciting news or achievements with you from afar. How did you celebrate their success and how can you continue to support and encourage them in their accomplishments?
In the world of long distance grandparenting, finding moments of connection can often feel like searching for a needle in a haystack.
Far from mere silver linings, bright spots represent moments of success and connection in nurturing relationships across distance.
By asking the pivotal question, “What’s working, and how can I do more of it?” you can unlock a treasure trove of strategies to deepen your bond with your grandchildren.
I hope this blog inspires and empowers you to embrace the positive moments, replicate their successes, and foster meaningful connections that transcend the miles.
Happy Connecting!
Kerry