Discover one simple trick grandparents can use to engage grandkids of any age on video calls, text, or in-person visits. One little shift that can make a big difference.
Before I jump in, I am using video chats as the example, but this shift applies anytime you are trying to connect with your grandchild. A phone call. A visit. A text.
Many grandparents tell me they end a call unsure whether it counted. Did we connect at all? Was that a real moment or just chaos on camera?
These questions make sense. When time together is rare, every interaction can feel like a test. You want the call to be meaningful and fun. Often it feels frantic or flat instead.
Part of the tension comes from the pressure grandparents place on these brief windows of time. You want to make a memory. You want to stay close across the distance. Yet kids often show up distracted, shy, or uninterested.
The thing is, they are responding in ways that fit their stage of growing up. Their developmental needs shape how they connect and often they are just wired to engage differently at various stages. Of course, this varies depending on the personality of the child and their communication styles but in general:
- Young children usually will not sit and talk for long periods of time.
- Older kids do not want to feel watched
- Teens pull away from anything that feels managed.
But here is the shift that helps:
Change how you invite them into the interaction.
When you shift the invitation, you shift the role the child imagines they have. Instead of being asked to “chat,” they are asked to join a shared moment that fits who they are right now. It becomes collaboration, not performance.
Ages 2 to 8: From Chatting to Playing
Listen to the invitation the adults are usually offering to kids. Parents are saying:
Come talk to Nana.
Nana wants to talk to you.
Up against a busy room or a screen, talking is not very compelling. But if you change the invitation slightly…
Do you want to play a game with Nana?
Young children understand play instantly. It is their first language.
Research from the Harvard Center on the Developing Child notes that play supports brain development, language skills, and emotional bonding. So, when a call feels chaotic, playful movement or simple guessing games are not distractions from connection. They are the connection.
Try:
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Can you find me something red? Green?
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Can you… find me something red, hop like a bunny, show me your silliest face, touch your tongue to your nose, show me your ears?
When you frame the call as play, you make space for props, gestures, imagination, and silliness. This lowers pressure and invites reciprocal connection.
Ages 9 to 12: Shift from Chatting to Doing Something Together
This stage can feel complicated. Independence is growing, but confidence can wobble. Video chats can feel forced. “Do you want to chat?” can land awkwardly. Kids at all ages love play, but sometimes it has to be pitched differently so it doesn’t feel too ‘baby-ish’.
Try a concrete invitation.
“Do you want to do something together?”
Now your grandchild is joining you in a shared task instead of feeling like they are performing on camera. Even a small responsibility helps them feel capable and valued. This can still happen within a game, you must try a few different things to see what sticks.
At this age, developmental researchers describe this stage as a time when kids are testing competence and influence. When you involve them in decisions, you support both.
Try:
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Can you help me choose between these two sweaters?
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I need to pick a plant for my kitchen. Can you help me decide?
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Want to rank our top three snacks? I’ll go first. Oreos are number one for me.
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Want to play a quick round of Would You Rather? Or a quiz about soccer/cheerleading ?
In the last example, anchor the activity in something they already care about. This can be really effective. A few minutes of prep goes a long way here. If they are really into soccer right now, soccer-themed Would You Rather questions or trivia will land far better than generic conversation starters.
With this shift, you move from entertaining them to collaborating with them by offering real choice and shared ownership of the moment.
Teens: Shift from Entertaining to Consulting
Some teens will shut down if they feel quizzed, observed, or expected to perform. Small talk about school rarely works. It can feel like pressure.
But when you ask for their take or expertise, the dynamic changes. Teens prefer digital interactions that feel voluntary and collaborative. The research reports section of Common Sense Media are very instructive if you have a tween/teen and you would like to stay in the know around social media and the burgeoning use of AI. You can find them here and scroll through: Common Sense Research Reports Page
Try:
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Can I get your take on something?
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I am curious what you think about… [this could be anything from asking about a sports player who was traded to something they care about like animal welfare or climate change]
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My friend’s grandson wants a phone and he is 12. What advice would you give him?
You are not trying to hold their attention. You are inviting their thinking. That communicates respect and helps teens feel seen as emerging adults.
Bonus Shift: Use the Same Invitations Through Text
Sometimes texting works better than video, especially for older kids who are comfortable typing but not talking on camera.
Instead of:
How was school?
Try:
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I am stuck choosing between two gifts for your dad. Can you help me decide?
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I’m making a top 5 list of snacks for your next visit. So far, I have kit kat bars. Can you add your favorite?
Short, specific invitations show you value their perspective and do not expect a long reply.
A Seasonal Twist: Let the Occasion Shape the Invitation
If you are heading into a holiday or family milestone, let the season do some of the heavy lifting. Instead of asking kids to talk about the holiday, invite them into a tiny decision or shared action.
For little ones, make the holiday into a game (see my Instagram reel for Spot the Difference Game)
For preteens, make it a shared task.
For teens, ask for their take.
Try:
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Can you help me decide where to hang this decoration?
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I am choosing between two cookie recipes. Which should I bake? I’ll send photos.
The occasion becomes the activity rather than something they are expected to talk about. These tiny, shared choices create moments with far less pressure.
One Last Thought
Your video chats do not need to be perfect. And you will have to engage in a lot of trial and error as they grow and change. But these calls, although important, do not have to feel meaningful every time. The little moments add up over time.
But small pivots that match how your grandchild communicates right now can make a big difference.
Connection rarely comes from filling the space with talk. It grows when you offer an invitation your grandchild wants to accept. When you show up with curiosity, presence, and flexibility, moments of connection find their way in. Even through a screen.
You can find some silly and fun ideas on my Instagram account.
You might also like The LDG Ideas Club (for those with grandchildren ages 2 -10). I make sure you have a steady stream of ideas for FaceTime and mail to send. You can learn more here:
