The Long-Distance Grandparent’s Guide to Easing the Goodbyes
My aunt used to call them happy tears – she would cry when she arrived and cry when she left. I remember her explaining this to my niece (her great niece) as they both burst into tears before a goodbye: “These are happy tears – we cry because we love each other so much.”
Goodbyes can be surprisingly emotional for children – especially after a fun-filled visit with grandparents. They’re saying goodbye to laughter, attention, and a deep sense of being loved. Even if they don’t cry, the sadness is real. Some withdraw, act distant, or even lash out. Others may seem fine until the moment comes.
For grandchildren, it may not always be understood as grief in the adult sense, but the emotional experience is similar – a mix of sadness and longing for something they’ve just experienced and now must let go of.
It’s a form of emotional processing that can be just as complex for children as it is for adults, even though they might express it differently.
Grief Reactions Can Sneak Up on Everyone
I can still remember how surprised I was when my son burst into tears as we left his grandpa’s house. We had said goodbye before, but this time was different. His understanding of how long it would be until he saw his grandpa again had deepened.
We were living in Dubai at the time and grandpa lived in Canada, so the visits were few and far between.
We had to turn the car around and go back so grandpa could reassure his grandson they would see one another again.
And when grandpa showed up for his next visit, my son said, “Grandpa promised I would see him again—and he was right.”
Even though I knew that the goodbye tears were love in action, I didn’t realize how important the goodbye was in terms of building trust between my son and his grandpa.
It’s not just tears that signify grief!
The thing is, even if your grandchildren don’t cry when you leave, it doesn’t mean they aren’t sad or feeling certain emotions about it.
Every child (heck, every adult!) processes emotions differently, and some may express their sadness in ways that aren’t immediately obvious.
For instance, you might notice they start to act distant or withdraw the day before you leave. Some grandparents have shared with me that their grandchildren seem angry as the goodbye date approaches.
Some kids will find their feelings hard to manage, while others may seem to bounce back quickly.
Children’s reactions to goodbyes can vary and be influenced by their mood, energy levels, or even whether they’re hungry or tired.
In this post, I’ll explore why goodbyes can be especially tough for children at different ages, and I’ll share some ideas for making those farewells just a little easier – for them and for you.
Why Goodbyes Are Hard for Children at Different Ages
Ages 1-4: “Where did you go?”
At this age, children are still developing object permanence, meaning they may not understand that you are still present even when out of sight. Your departure might feel like you’re simply gone, causing confusion and upset. They might even associate people with specific locations, like saying “Grandma lives at the airport.”
With limited understanding of time, they may not know when or if they’ll see you again.
To ease transitions, establishing consistent goodbye rituals can help. Although we don’t have research specific to grandparent and grandchild goodbyes, experts in child development tell parents to avoid sneaking away, because this can increase anxiety and undermine trust. They suggest that children need to learn that adults leave — and then return.
Ages 5–7: “I don’t want this to end.”
Children at this age are more aware of social and emotional attachments. This increased awareness can lead to a deeper attachment to you, making goodbyes more emotionally challenging. They may struggle with how to cope with these big feelings. They may even act out or shut down emotionally to avoid the sadness of parting.
To support them, acknowledge their emotions and offer reassurance. Letting them choose a comfort object, like a photo or stuffed animal, can help. Reassure them about future reunions and use events, like video chats or upcoming visits, to provide a sense of security.
Their sense of time isn’t fully developed but they can understand things like we will see each other after your birthday, or we will have a facetime after school tomorrow.
Ages 8–10: “This makes me feel sad, and I don’t like it.”
At this age, children can articulate their emotions more clearly, but goodbyes can still be challenging. They understand that missing someone is part of loving them, which can feel both beautiful and painful. Thus, while they can express their sadness, they may need help managing it.
Normalizing their feelings and explaining that missing someone is natural can help. Encourage them to develop coping strategies, such as using goodbye rituals or staying in touch between visits. Modeling resilience by sharing how you cope can also guide them.
Tips for Easing the Goodbyes – and Honoring the Bond
- Name the Feeling
Let your grandchild know it’s okay to feel sad, and that you feel sad too. Say something like,
“I’m going to miss you so much. That’s because I love you so much. Missing each other is part of loving each other.”
This gives them language for their grief – and helps them feel less alone in it.
2. Create a playful goodbye ritual
Come up with something together—like a silly wave or a goodbye dance.
You could try what I call the humongous hug.
- Ask if they know what a humongous hug is, then explain: it’s the kind of hug that is big and squeezy, with enough love to last until we see each other again.
- Wrap each other up in the biggest hug and whisper: “This hug has enough love to last until I see you again.”
Small, meaningful rituals like this help kids feel safe and connected—even when you’re apart.
3. Plant the Seed of What Comes Next
Instead of focusing on the end, gently shift the focus to the future:
“Next time we see each other, let’s go to the park/go for ice-cream/craft together again.”
Or plan your next video call:
“I’ll call you on Tuesday, and we’ll play our drawing game!”
This shows them that connection doesn’t end – it just changes form.
4. Leave Behind a Piece of You
A note under their pillow, a photo of the two of you, a short, recorded message they can replay – these little tokens offer comfort and continuity.
5. Stay in Touch Between Visits
After the goodbye, keep the connection alive in between visits to ensure continuity. Whether it’s snail mail or regular video chats, touching base in between visits is important for your grandchild to know you are a consistent presence, even when you cannot be consistently physically present.
6. Let the Sadness Be Part of the Story
It’s okay if they cry – or if you do. Sadness is not a problem to fix. It’s a sign of love. Say, “It’s hard to say goodbye because this time together meant so much.”
That helps children learn that deep connection often includes deep emotion.
Follow the Parents’ Lead
While it’s natural to want to ease the goodbye for your grandchild, it’s important to remember that their parents know them best – especially when it comes to managing big emotions. Some of the ideas shared here -like goodbye rituals can be incredibly helpful.
But for some children, they might actually make the goodbye harder or more emotionally intense.
That’s why the most important thing you can do is partner with the parents. Ask what they’ve found helpful in the past, and whether there are any emotional cues or routines they already use with their child.
Here are a few conversation starters to help you gently bring up goodbye planning with your grandchildren’s parents.
- “As we get closer to the end of the visit, I want to be thoughtful about how we say goodbye. What’s usually helpful for [child’s name] in these moments?”
- “I’ve read a few things about creating simple goodbye rituals, like a song or a special wave. Would something like that work for [child’s name], or do you think it might be too much?”
- “Do you have any advice for how to talk about leaving with [child’s name]? I want to make sure I’m in step with you.”
- “I’m thinking about saying something like ‘I’ll see you in three sleeps on video chat.’ Do you think that would help/be comforting or might that be upsetting and make things harder?”
By asking first and respecting the parents’ insights, you not only support your grandchild -you also deepen trust with their parents.
A Final Word: Goodbye Is Part of the Long-Distance Grandparent Story
As long-distance grandparents, you live in a rhythm of hellos and goodbyes. Each goodbye can feel like a little loss – for them and for you.
But you can thread something into the goodbyes that last by creating hello and good-bye rituals.
It’s important to help your grandchildren see that love doesn’t go away just because you do. You carry it with you – and they carry it too.
